Akatsuki on The Maury Show
by 01Corkscrew
Summary: The Akatsuki organization are guest stars on the Maury Show...A baby was found on their doorstep and a letter from a woman claiming that one of them was the father, excluding Konan of course, and all want to hear "You Are Not The Father" Who is the father
1. Their Stories

Akatsuki on the Maury Show

Chapter One: Their Stories

All of the Akatsuki members are backstage of the Mary show and everyone of them are wondering the same question. WTF ARE WE DOING HERE!?!?!? and the only one who knows whats going on is their leader, Pain and Konan.

Maury: Today on the Maury Show we have several guests today, they are the elusive Akatsuki organization. We will get to meet them all, and the first two are the Akatsuki leader Pein and his partner Konan. (Camera zooms on Pein and Konan) Now Pein, Konan tell us why are you two here? (Camera on Pein)

Pein: Thats Leader to everyone except Konan, Got it? (Maury laughs and says okay) Well Maury the Akatsuki are here today to find out who the father if an infant that was left on our door step.

(Camera on Maury)

Maury: Now a baby was left on your door step and you think one of you, the Akatsuki could be the father?

Leader: Yes, because of a letter found with the baby now just let me read it. (Maury gives the okay to read it)  
"Dear Akatsuki I don't have much time left but one of you, I'm not sure who, is the father of my baby I leave him your capable hands. Signed (Name Blurred)" (Camera on Konan)

Konan: After receiving the letter we had easily tracked down the one who sent it but she died shortly after dropping the kid off, and she had never given the kid a name so each one of us had given him a name, after disputing for a while we decided that who ever the father was would get to name him. (audience and Maury laugh) (camera on Maury)

Maury: And Konan since you are the only women in the entire Akatsuki organization that would make you the boys mother? (Camera on Konan)

Konan: I guess? (Audience and Maury laugh) (Camera on Maury)

Maury: Well lets not wait any longer, the rest of the Akatsuki members are back stage and all but two are denying that they are the father (Audience gasps) (Camera on the large Akatsuki group back stage) and listen to their stories they made before the show. Lets watch....(Plays the Akatsuki's videos)

Kakuzu: I'll give you two reasons why I can't be the father of this little money eater!! One: I would never have or make anything that would cost anything,  
Two: No woman comes before making money, NEVER, Money comes first,  
Thats why I can never be the father in a million years.

(Crowd boos Kakuzu's video)

Zetsu: Look at me do I look anything like the kid, No I don't think so. It's not like I would be a good father anyway, Because I'm a cannibal, But he is too cute to eat, You mean he is too small and an un-edible little thing, So you wont eat him? No if I'm the father I will fatten him up for years to come.

(Crowd and maury are silent, wondering what they just herd)

Sasori: I'm a walking, talking WOODEN man, do you honestly think I could have children, come on people, use that WAD OF GUM BETWEEN YOUR EARS!!!!

(Crowd boos Sasori)

Itachi: I am not the father of this kid because I say I'm not so there it is true that I'm not because this kid is not mine so it must be someone else's so I'm not the father of the child that is not mine but someone else's so it's not mine. (ten minutes of Itachi using revers psychology)

(Crowd boos while holding their heads after Itachi's rant)

Tobi: Tobi want to be the father cause Tobi will make a good father, we will play games, run around Tobi will name him George, and play with a ball, Frisbee, rope toys, squeaky toys, dig in the yard and bunches of fun stuff we can do together because Tobi is a good boy, RIGHT DEIDARA SENPIE!!! (Tobi rushes out of the cameras view and hugs Deidara and Deidara punches him off and steps on him and repeats)

(Crowd cheers for Tobi)

Kisame: Well I could be the father because I've felt more women than a strip pole, and if I am the father then I will take care of him and teach him to be a master swordsmen and how to pick up chicks, OH-YEAH!

(Crowd cheers, but with some disgust)

Deidara: I'm here to say I am not the father for one I'm Eighteen!!! and second I've never had a girlfriend, and third my art comes before any women or anything at all because true art is an explosion and if you philistines can't comprehend my art then I will show you MY TRUE ART!!! UN!!!! (Deidara puts his hand together about to set of his C3 clay art bomb when three guy as big and scary as Steve Wilkos comes and tackles him to the ground)

(Crowd boos Deidara but they later fear for their lives)

Hidan: LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING YOU (BEEP)ING BASTARDS THERE IS NO (BEEP)ING WAY I'M THE FATHER, YOU HAVE TO BE OUT OF YOUR (BEEP)ING MINDS!!! I MEAN LOOK AT THE KID THAT (BEEP)ING BRAT LOOKS NOTHING LIKE ME!!! AND I WOULD NEVER GO WITH ANY WOMEN WHO WOULDN'T CONVERT TO MY (BEEP)ING RELIGION!!! SERIORSLY THAT MAKES ME (BEEP, BEEP, BEEP and random assortments of swear words and complaining for a few minutes)  
SO THERE I'M NOT THE FATHER SO (BEEP) OFF!!!! (BEEP) YOU!!!!! (BEEEEEP)!!!!!!!!!

(The crowd and Maury are completely quiet in shock of what Hidan just said)

(Camera on Maury)

Maury: Well thats quite an assortment of people you have in your organization Leader? (Camera changes to Leader)

Leader: Well I think they are a bunch of dumb assess. (Camera changes to Maury)

Maury: Lets not delay anymore in order from their videos here they are the rest of the Akatsuki organization

(Crowd cheers and boos as the Akatsuki comes out)

To Be Continued... 


	2. The Conflict

Akatsuki on the Maury Show

Chapter Two: Confrontation

Maury: Previously on the Maury Show: (Camera on Maury) The Akatsuki members showd us their videos, Kakuzu, Zetsu, Sasori, Itachi, Deidara, and Hidan all claimed not to be the father of a one month old baby boy that was left by his mother on the door step of the elusive Akatsuki organization claiming that one of them is the father, and then died hours later, and she has not named the boy, so the Akatsuki organization agrees that who ever the father is will get to name the boy, All but two claim it's not theirs and two who want him to be theirs are Tobi and Kisame. Now on with the show...

Maury: Welcome back I'm here with the leader of the Akatsuki organization, Now Leader what makes you sure that you are not the father? (Camera on Leader)

Leader: Because I'm too busy to take over the world have any relation ship other than with Konan (Crowd cheers and kind boos as well) (Camera on Maury)

Maury: Well we watched all of the other eight Akatsuki members videos and with out any further wait lets bring them out one by one and talk to them. First we have Kakuzu. Kakuzu come on out!! (Camera on the entrance were Kakuzu comes out)

(crowd boos as Kakuzu comes out) (and he sits next to Konan) (Camera on Maury)

Maury: Well Kakuzu those were very interesting reasons.

Kakuzu: Money is all that matters and is the most important thing in the world and I'm not gonna invest it into something thats not mine (Crowd boos Kakuzu) Boo all you want I'm not gonna change my mind, Humph.

Maury: Now Kakuzu, Konan told us that All the Akatsuki members gave the child a different name.

Kakuzu: Yup. and the other name for the kid are stupid except for mine.

Maury: Can you tell us what you wanted to name him?

Kakuzu: Sure, I wanted to name him Money. (crowd and Maury laugh) Humph, I thought it was a good name.

Konan: Thats a stupid name for a kid.

Kakuzu: Coming from a women who wanted to name the kid Angel.

Konan: Hey that is a cute name for a cute kid!

Maury: Now Leader can you tell us what you wanted to name the child?

Leader: Damien.

Kakuzu: Thats a name for the antichrist kid not for that kid!

Leader: Well that is not gonna be his name because I am not the father.

Kakuzu: Fine, sure keep telling your self that, Liar.

Maury: We have more guests, Lets bring out Zetsu.

Kakuzu: Yeah bring out the cannibalistic plant! (Camera on the entrance were Zetsu comes out)

(crowd boos as Zetsu comes out) (Zetsu sits next to Kakuzu)

Maury: Now Zetsu tell me why do you think you are not the father?

Zetsu: OMG!! Are you joking? Are you blind or what? LOOK AT ME!!! I have this plant thing growing out of what I think are my shoulders or my waist! I have green hair, The left side of my face is white, And right side is black!!! on the right side of my face I have no eyebrow, white dots or metal push pins on the out line of the right side of my face!! I have thick yellow eyes and the right on looks like its gonna pop out!! How can you say that I am the father when he looks nothing like me in any shape or form.

(Crowd boos and wonders if a plant could be a father)

Maury: Well when you put it that way you are probably not the father, But there is still a very small chance you could be the father. What do you think Leader?...Leader?...are you listing?

Leader: Huh? What? Sorry, I knew Zetsu was gonna start his bitching on why he is not the father so I put in some ear plugs.

(Crowd and Maury laugh)

Maury: Konan what do you think?

Konan: I don't give a damn on who the father is just bring out the next moron so we can continue. Okay?

(Crowd cheers for Konan)

Zetsu: You two don't care at all do you?

Leader/Konan: Nope.

(Crowd laughs)

Maury: Alright lets bring out our next guest from the Akatsuki organization. Please welcome Sasori. Sasori come on out!

(crowd boos Sasori as he comes out of the entrance) (Sasori sits next to Zetsu with an annoyed look on his face)

Maury: Now Sasori why do you say you are not the father?

Sasori: Maury I am a WOODEN puppet with a HUMAN heart, the heart is the only thing on or attached to me thats human so it is Imposable for me to have fathered this kid. And you people used that gum wad on a stick thats lodged in your heads you could have figured that out for your selves..(mumbles about how stupid he thinks these people are)

Leader: No argument there

Konan: Nope.

Maury: Okay lets move on. Next is Deidara. Deidara come on out!

(crowd boos as Deidara comes out of the entrance) (Deidara sits next to Sasori)

Deidara: Shut up you philistines you wouldn't know good art let alone who the father of that kid is even if saw it for your selves, Un!  
So I'm not gonna waste my time showing you worthless unworthy people my true art because...

Sasori: DEIDARA SHUT UP!!!

Kakuzu: God!! You can be worse at complaining than Hidan!!

Leader: Now stop your bitching and sit down!!

(Crowd cheers for Sasori, Kakuzu, and Leader for yelling at Deidara)

Maury: Now Deidara tell us why are you not the father?

Deidara: One: I'm eighteen Two: Never had a girlfriend Three: I have blonde hair and the kid has black hair. If you ask me Itachi has better chance of being the father than .

Maury: What about Tobi?

(All the Akatsuki on stage burst into laughter)

Kakuzu: That moron, ha ha ha!!

Deidara: I bet he doesn't even know were babies come from, Un.

Sasori: I wouldn't call him a member

Deidara: He is more like the organization's pet or punching bag, Un.

Maury: Well lets bring him out. Come on out Tobi!

(Crowd cheers as the excited Tobi comes on stage) (Tobi rushes over to Deidara's side, as Tobi tries to hug him Deidara punches him across the stage) (Tobi gets up and sits next to Deidara all happy like ^.^)

Maury: You seem a little excited?

Tobi: Tobi is excited because Tobi wants to be the father.

Maury: Thats good to hear. Now Tobi why do you think you are the father?

Tobi: Tobi talks to a lot of people and Deidara senpai said that Kisame could make a lady have a baby just by talking to them.

(The crowd and Maury stop and stare at Tobi wondering if really is that stupid.)

Deidara: Tobi if your going to start talking like an idiot then don't talk at all. Un. Now Listen Tobi there is no way you could be the father because if you were then that kid would be mentally retarded, and because everyone at the Akatsuki see you either as a pet or a punching bag.  
So no women would ever go near..

Tobi: Senpai you talk a lot, he he he

(Complete Silence) (The next moment four security guys were holding Deidara away from Tobi who was hiding behind Maury's chair) (the Crowd was cheering Deidara on) (Deidara gets loose and punches Tobi into a camera) *We are experiencing technical difficulties* (camera comes back on) (Deidara siting with bruises on his face as Sasori is walking back to his seat with a broken bat in his hands and Tobi *still wearing his mask* has lumps stacked on each other all over his head)

Maury: Okay lets bring out our next guest, Please welcome Kisame, Come on out!

(Crowd cheers for Kisame *the blue fish guy* as he enters the stage) (He sits next to Tobi)

Maury: Hello Kisame, So tell us why you want to be the father?

Kisame: Well because I would be an awesome father, I would teach him to fight and to kick some serious ass and with a sword ha ha!

Deidara: You, The father? Ha, Have you looked in the mirror lately? You are a blue fish, You have gills under your eyes, And you have lungs.  
If you were the father that kid would look like that pansy shark from the movie jaws!

Kisame: Hey that was my father!! and I thought he did a good job as jaws. Humph.

Deidara: You land shark freak!!

Kisame: Whiney brat!

Maury: Okay, okay. So Leader you said everyone chose a different name for the child, Correct?

Leader: Yes.

Maury: So in order of when you came on stage tell us the name you have chosen.

Leader: Damien

Konan: Angel

Kakuzu: Money

Zetsu: Either breakfast, lunch, or dinner, maybe snack, well it depends on my mood.

Sasori: I told you it's imposable!

Deidara: Don't complain just tell them. Un.

Sasori: Pinnocchio

Deidara: Detonation. Un.

Tobi: George, after my pet turkey that died on Thanksgiving.(Tobi starts crying) (Sasori and Deidara are smiling)*Sasori was the cook and Deidara supplied the turkey*in a future story*

Kisame: Bruce, Bruce was the name of my father.

Maury: Well those are some interesting names, After the break we will meet the final two members of the Akatsuki, Itachi, and Hidan.  
and unknown to Itachi, His little brother Sasuke, and former partner Orochimaru are her in the studio audience. We'll be back after this.

To Be Continued... 


	3. Hidan, Itachi, and the Results

Akatsuki on the Maury Show

Chapter Three: Hidan, Itachi, and the Results

Maury: Previously on the Maury Show, We heard from the first six of the eight Akatsuki members they all had their reasons for denying or accepting the child as the ech had their own names picked out for the child if they were the father and now all thats left is to hear from Hidan, and Itachi, then we will get to the paternity test results. Now back to the show... (Camera on Maury/Akatsuki)

Maury: Welcome back, Now siting with us are the elusive Akatsuki organization's Leader, Konan, Kakuzu, Zetsu, Sasori, Deidara, Tobi, and Kisame. A dying women leaves her un named baby boy on the doorstep of the Akatsuki organization with a letter saying that she claims that one of the Akatsuki members is the baby's father and they are here to find out who is the baby's father. But before we get to the results he want to hear what all the Akatsuki want to say, and we have all but two, Hidan and Itachi, and unknown to Itachi, his little brother Sasuke and his former partner Orochimaru are in the studio audience. But before we get to Itachi lets hear what Hidan has to say. Hidan come on out!  
(Crowed boos Hidan as he comes on the stage pissed off)

Hidan: (BEEP)YOU!! (to the audience) (BEEEEP)YOU!!! (BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP,BEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!) (Audience get more excited)(Hidan sits next to Kakuzu)

Kakuzu: You should be ashamed of your self.

Hidan: What?

Kakuzu: Never ming (he is angry)

Maury: Now Hidan why are you not the father of this child?

Hidan: I (BEEP)ING told you, Because That (BEEP)ING kid looks nothing like me, and I would go with any (BEEP)ING women who wouldn't convert to my (BEEP)ING religion. And my religion is to my god Jashin, to massacre anyone who gets in my way HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!

Kakuzu: SHUT UP HIDAN!!!

Hidan: Fine

Maury: Now Hidan if this nameless child was yours what would you name him?

Hidan: Jashin, and I would teach him my religion and he would be like me ^.^ But he is not. so (BEEP)YOU TO THOSE WHO WOULD GO AGINST JASHIN!!!!

(Crowd getting excited and yelling at Hidan)

Maury: Now without any further delay lets bring out Itachi. Itachi come on out!

(Crowd boos and cheers for Itachi as he comes out to sit down) (Itachi sits down next to Kisame)

Maury: Nice to meet you Itachi.

Itachi: ...

Maury: So Itachi why are you not the father?

Itachi: Because it defies all known logic, and besides it's probably Sasuke's.

Maury: It just so happens that Sasuke along with Orochimaru are here in the audience. (camera on Sasuke and Orochimaru)

Orochimaru: ITACHI I WANT YOUR BODY!!!! (in a fan girl kind voice and action as he tries to run on stage but is stopped by the security and thrown out)

Sasuke: What do you mean it's mine?

Itachi: Exactly what I said.

Sasuke: It's not mine!

Itachi: Yes it is.

Sasuke: Not it's not!

Itachi: Yes it is.

Sasuke: Not it's not!

Itachi: Yes it is.

Sasuke: Not it's not!

Itachi: Why not?

Sasuke: Because I've never been laid, I've been too busy trying to kill you.

(crowd starts taunting Sasuke)

Maury: well Itachi if you are the father what would you name this kid?

Itachi: Fluffy

(Everyone is silent) (everyone laughs (except Sasuke)

Maury: Well now that is out of the way lets get on with the results.

(crowd cheers as Maury is handed the envelope and sits down to read it)

Maury: In the Case of the un named child Leader...you...are...not the father. (crowd yells)  
Kakuzu...you...are...not the father, (more yelling) Zetsu...you...are...not the father, (yelling continue through the rest of the results)  
Sasori...you...are...not the father, Deidara...you...are...not the father, Tobi...you...are...not the father, Kisame...you...are...not the father,  
Hidan...you...are...not the father, Itachi...You are the father! (everyone in shock expecially Sasuke.)

Maury: Here is a picture of the child's late mother...Miss Rie Hayashi.

Kisame: Now I remember! remember Itachi when we were staying at an Inn back in Stone country I gave you this green alcohol and you ready for some fun and then the last thing I remember before passing out was seeing you and that women walking up stairs together. I think the liquor was called the Illegal Green Fairy, one shot of that stuff and you were the most fun you have been in your life, Ha ha ha!!

Itachi: Kisame (Kisame looks at Itachi seeing an undying rage in his eyes as he come closer to Itachi) Do you have any idea how much you are going to be hurting?

Kisame: N now wait Itachi it w was an accident, please Itachi spare me.

Itachi: Never!!!!!!

(Camera zooms out as Itachi walks calmly to Kisame, all the Akatsuki and security are backing away along with Kisame in complete fear of Itachi's rage that even Sasuke runs for cover and camera fades out as Itachi comes closer to Kisame)

Kisame: AWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

END 


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